Haikus for Low Points

Something’s missing in my life. Maybe it’s that special someone? Last week I felt compelled to try the ol’ dating apps again.

Here are some of the gems I’ve come across while swiping left; I recognize that it’s insensitive to write facetious comments about men I’ve never met and who could potentially be wonderful people, but I had cancer*, so I feel like karma paid it forward and I’m only evening the score with this cruel, creative effort. *I will most likely use this as an excuse for the rest of my life. “Sorry, I can’t attend that meeting; I used to have cancer.” “Oh, you want me to help you move? Sorry, can’t help. Used to have cancer.” “Hey, Mom, remember when I used to have cancer…Can you bring me some ice cream?”



I appreciate

Your unabashed presence,

But we will not date.


BTK Killer?

I thought you were in prison.

I am scared of you.


‘Douche’ is what I see.

Your nipples are really small.

Bathroom selfies–>STOP.screenshot_2017-03-06-18-33-30-1.png

I assume that you

Are not the one in the chair.

It’s fun with the fam.


“Bloody cat man here:

Just weirding my way through life.”

I don’t understand.


Is that a wet suit?

I want this to be a joke.

I don’t think it is.


Bad hombre/ombre:

Statement necklace with turtle:

Or it’s a tortoise?


Man in plaid with dog:

That’s an interesting angle

For a profile pic.

There are actually plenty of attractive and seemingly normal men on these apps, and tomorrow I’m having coffee with one of them. Can’t help but think about this episode from Inside Amy Schumer:




  1. Marie · March 13

    OMG. I’m going to find my husband and promise him anything he wants to never leave me. This post is TERRIFYING.


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