A Glamorous Trifecta

Here’s me just chillin’ at my grandparents’ house:

How lucky am I to be 36 and able to spend spring break with my grandparents? (or to have a spring break?) I am not, however, lucky to look like this hairless wombat. My grandpa told me that if he saw me out in public, he probably wouldn’t recognize me. It’s amazing how much a lack of brows and lashes affects your appearance. My right brow has two hairs, but the left side still has a decent amount (about a quarter of its usual quantity). There are a few lashes on each side. Plus, my T zone and the skin over my eyes is so dry that it constantly flakes (even with frequent applications of heavy duty moisturizer), and this also alters my overall look. (My three year old niece asked me, “Why do you have dots on your face?” in reference to the dusting of white flesh flakes that cover the central portion of my visage). My hair is coming back in soft little tufts, but this creates an unkempt, patchy look. A smooth, bald head looks better. Another chemo struggle that has reached its apex is my fingernails. Throughout my Taxol treatments, my nails have gradually thinned and yellowed, and now they are infected. A few days ago, I noticed the middle fingernail on my right hand STUNK. I’ve been feeling especially poisoned this last week, and the smell of decaying flesh coming from my own middle digit seemed a slap in the face. Mom and I went to an urgent care, and the nurse gave me some antibiotics. If those don’t work, she said, then we’ll know it’s a fungal infection. (90’s kids–>) Remember that scene in the movie The Witches when they all take off their wigs and gloves and expose their bald heads and gnarly hands? That’s what I look like:


She may have better brows, but my dental situation is much better than what this witch is dealing with. However, my teeth and gums are sensitive right now. My left leg and arm are slightly swollen. My ears itch. My nasal cavity is dry and produces big, bloody boogers. I get hot flashes. Girl, you a mess.

Apart from my medical struggles, I’m enjoying my time in Eighty Four, PA visiting the grandparents. Last night at dinner, Grandpa (a.k.a. PawPaw) asked me if Nicki Minaj had butt implants. This was after he told me that Kim Kardashian’s butt was just TOO big.

Tomorrow we’ll visit Sarris Candy, a place that has captured my imagination since 1983. In one room there is a castle made of chocolate and candy that changes with the seasons, and in another area there is an exhibit of nearly life-sized stuffed animals: a bear, a giraffe, maybe a rhino, sometimes a lion. I’ll have my Holden Caufield-in-the-Natural-History-Museum moment, and then I’ll eat a Candyman’s Dream: chocolate ice cream, hot fudge, and maple walnuts. I luuuuuuurve maple walnuts. Sick, chubby, and hairless: a glamorous trifecta that is my current life status.



Thank You

I am beyond grateful today. So many people have shown me love and support through kind words, gestures, flowers, and food. The past five and a half months have been made so much easier because of the love and support I’ve received from friends, family, and strangers. I am blessed. I tried to express my gratitude in a video, but this was the outcome:

I’ll stick to the written word for now.

Here I am wrapping up my last round of chemo…and ringing that bell!

The Struggle

I maxed out today. My thoughts are scrambled and my limbs are weak. The chemo that is killing my tumor is poisoning my brain and weakening my body, and I can’t keep my straights thought. See what I mean?

I cried at work. Intermittent periods of tears and frustration followed by blank stares. Started in the department lounge. Took it to the bathroom. Moved it to the grade-level principal’s office. Finished at lunch. Got the hell outta work and drove to Chick Fil A for a diet lemonade. Came home and…and…what the hell have I been doing for the past two hours? See what I mean?

I literally can’t even.

And it has taken me, like, 20 minutes to write this. I’m stuck on the phrase “intermittent periods of tears and frustration followed by blank stares.” Will the reader know that I mean I’m delivering the blank stares, not receiving them? Words are hard right now, and so are thoughts.

I think my current life situation is best-symbolized by my right eyebrow. There are nine hairs just holdin’ on for dear life/just strugglin’ so hard. Things fall apart; the brows cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon my face.

OK, so now it’s been about an hour since I started this post. Praise the lord that this week is short and that next week is spring break AND THAT THIS WEDNESDAY IS MY LAST CHEMO. Just one more round of poison. I think that’s why I’m so emotionally drained today–> because the end is so near. When I was 10 I was on the swim team (I never liked sports), and at one of the meets I had to swim a long distance. I gave up at the very end/just stopped swimming. And cried. In the middle of the pool. I don’t want to do that this time. I want to keep swimming.

30 more hours

1 more chemo

9 eyebrows

Surely some revelation is at hand.




I just can’t stop.

  • A Farewell to Tits
  • Gone with the Tits
  • To Kill a Tit
  • Of Mice and Tits
  • A Tale of Two Titties 
  • The Great Titties
  • Little Titties
  • The Scarlet Booby
  • The Sound and the Titties
  • Moby Tits
  • Native Tit
  • Tender is the Tit
  • All the King’s Tits
  • Sister Tittie
  • East of Tits
  • The Call of the Tits
  • Lord of the Tits
  • The Fellowship of the Tits
  • Titties Shrugged
  • Water for Tits
  • Brave New Tits
  • Tits of Darkness
  • The Handmaid’s Tit
  • The Tit Games
  • East Pray Tits
  • 50 Shades of Tits
  • Pride and Tits
  • Sense and Tits
  • Little Tits
  • Great Tits
  • Oliver Tits
  • War and Tits/Tits and Peace
  • Crime and Tits/Tits and Punishment
  • Les Tits
  • The Old Man and the Tits
  • Gulliver’s Tits
  • The Tits on Mango Street
  • The Secret Life of Tits 

Don’t forget the kids!

  • The Little Titties that Could
  • The Tit in the Hat
  • Guess How Much I Love Tits
  • Tits for Sale
  • Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Tits
  • Harold and the Purple Tits
  • The Little Tit
  • Chicka Chicka Boob Boob
  • One Tit, Two Tits, Red Tits, Blue Tits
  • James and the Giant Tits
  • Snuggle Titties
  • Pat the Boobies
  • Charlotte’s Tits
  • The Velveteen Tits
  • Go, Tits, Go
  • Cloudy with a Chance of Tits
  • The Swiss Family Tits
  • Titty Longstocking
  • The Phantom Tits
  • Titty Poppins
  • Roll of Thunder, Hear My Tits
  • Goodnight Tits 

I didn’t even know that this book existed, but I’m so glad it does:

For tweens/teens, you need contemporary coming-of-age choices:

  • The Perks of Being a Tit 
  • The Fault in Our Tits
  • Looking for Tits
  • An Abundance of Tits  
  • The Tit Games
  • The Tit Thief
  • Never Let My Tits Go
  • The Lovely Tits